


Implication

by idrilhadhafang



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: 5 Things, Abusive Snoke (Star Wars), Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Childhood Friends Poe Dameron & Ben Solo, Implied Mind Rape, M/M, Manipulative Sheev Palpatine, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:06:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29909805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Five things that Ben/Kylo finds hard to say.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Ben Solo, Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Collections: Bad Day Collection, The Darkpilot Library





	1. Help me

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: I kind of felt the itch to write a “five times" fic.

At first, Ben thinks that the voice in his mind (something that he, not-so-originally, calls the Voice, because he doesn’t know if it has a name. It shifts voices and personalities all too easily) isn’t that scary. At first. 

It protects him, he thinks. When he’s a small child, when his parents’ demons slip out between them. (They don’t hurt him, they never intentionally would, but their overheard arguments, arguments that Ben was never meant to hear, scare him enough) When he has to tell the Voice things that even Poe couldn’t hear. When he’s shivering in the dark after a terrible vision. (Uncle says that they’re visions, and so does Mommy)

But it can also get really mean. 

The Voice is volatile, kind one minute and cutting the next. Remarks that can be either like a balm to Ben’s spirit, or razor blades. It can swerve between telling him that it’s never had an apprentice like him before one minute, and telling him that he’s a disappointment the next. That his family doesn’t know him or even love him...but the Voice does. 

Sometimes it’s easy for Ben to fight back. Knowing his family loves him, and so does Poe. (Of course Poe loves him. They’re friends) But other times, when he sees Mommy afraid...it’s all too easy to nearly give in. 

Ben fights with all he has. Of course he does. He fights like a nexu cub. And he wonders why Mommy and Uncle Luke won’t help him. Maybe the Voice is right. Maybe the Voice is the only one who cares?

***

”You okay, Ben?”

Poe asks that. Ben’s slept roughly. Very roughly, at that. He's thrashed in his sleep, dreaming of Shara Bey being revived into something horrible and mutated. Of a man in a mask that reminds Ben almost of a warped sort of bird. 

“Just a bad dream.” Ben says. He doesn’t say “help me". Not really. How can he? Poe’s a big kid, he’s eleven now (and he still inexplicably wants to hang out with Ben. “Mentor” him, as Poe puts it), but he can’t just understand what’s going on in Ben’s head. The nightmares, the times when Ben goes on walks in his nightmares that Poe can’t understand...

”I’m sorry,” Poe says. “You could talk to your parents, you know.”

”Why would I want to talk to my parents?” Ben snaps. “They hate me! They’re scared of me.”

”Don’t say that,” Poe says, softly. 

“Well, I feel it!” Ben says. “I...”

He doesn’t tell Poe that the Voice is saying it. How would he even begin to explain it?

”I know how it feels,” Poe says. “Dad hasn’t been dealing with Mom’s death well. I believe you, Ben. And...I certainly don’t hate you. You’re a fantastic kid."

Ben does smile, if feebly. Somehow, with Poe saying it, it feels right. It feels okay. 

He won’t let the Voice get to Poe. Not if he can help it. Even if Ben is only eight. 


	2. I love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe comes back from Kijimi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Poe comes back when Ben’s eighteen years old. He left when Ben was thirteen, and Ben is already reeling from the fact that Poe is back from Kijimi. Back at all. 

Not everyone’s happy that Poe’s back, of course. 

Hiri Vaila actually sneers at Ben. “Honestly, Ben, it’s not right that you have to associate with that filth,” she says. Of course, Hiri’s an idiot as Voe would say, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. “A spice runner? A criminal?"

”Poe isn’t a criminal,” Ben says. You don’t hit girls, so he doesn’t throw a punch, but he can already feel the red all but clawing up behind his eyes. “Poe’s a wonderful man.”

Hiri scoffs. “Wonderful at disappointing his family.”

”You don’t know anything about him!” Ben’s shouting, to the point that other Jedi are staring at him like he’s a crazy person. "You don’t know anything about how wonderful he is. This is a man who spared the life of a woman who hated him. You know, like a Jedi would. I know him. I...”

He trails off. It occurs to him that he was just on the verge of admitting to someone he couldn’t stand that he’s in love with Poe. 

It makes sense. The way he can’t stop staring at Poe, the flash of envy and reverence he feels just seeing the way Poe’s black curls frame his face. Perfect, curly hair. But there’s more than that. There’s the fact that Ben’s been so willing to defend him and comfort him and he feels that pain that splits him to the bone. Love. He loves Poe. Love that can feel so good and also hurt so much. Why was it made that way? Was that why the Jedi were so scared of love? The fact that it could split the soul to the bone, hurt and heal all at once?

Hiri actually looks curious, at least for a change. Voe, for a change, looks sympathetic, before she speaks up. “Master Skywalker wouldn’t turn anyone away,” she says. “Neither should we.”

Ben swears that if Voe let him, he’d hug her. 

***

It’s alone in his hut that Ben allows himself to admit something that he doesn’t feel worthy enough to say to Poe’s face. 

“I’m in love with you, Poe,” he says softly, to empty air. “And oh Force...you can never know.”


End file.
